theatrechic184's Xanga

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 01:50:07 GMT

if heaven knew the reason
that I'm in the state I'm in
angels would come calling
just to bring you back home again

if I could tell them why
I feel the way I do
they would come running
just to bring my heart
back to you

but I can't go on pretending
that they'll be a happy ending
and I still want you for my life
but I know it isn't right

and all of the stars in heaven
I saw yours shining bright
and of all my heart's desires
I wished for your love tonight

just trying to find a reason
how I could lose a love so true
just trying to find
what happened
to the best thing I ever knew

if I could find a way
you know I'd make it all up to
cause taking you for granted
is the last thing I wanted to do

but I can't go on pretending
that they'll be a happy ending
and I still want you for my life
but I know it isn't right

and all of the stars in heaven
I saw yours shining bright
and of all my heart's desires
I wished for your love tonight

and all of the stars in heaven
I saw yours shining bright
and of all my heart's desires
I wished for your love tonight

...is this what happens when you've finally grown apart? or is it because i've lost myself? fuck.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 21:47:08 GMT

i have never felt so alone and self loathing.
and trapped.
and i want you to come here and hold me. and make it go away.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 20:27:35 GMT

i want life to consist of waffles and coffee and crying and conversation.

and i want to be loved.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:50:57 GMT

j'ai raison. mais, j'ai deja su ça. tu ne pourrais pas changer.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 05:35:16 GMT

rushing and racing and running in circles
moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
getting nowhere

my head and my heart are colliding chaotic
pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

save me
somebody take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

sometimes I fear that I might disappear
in the blur of fast forward I falter again
forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

all that I've missed I see in the reflection
pass me while I wasn't paying attention
tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

tell me
oh won't you take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
i need you to slow me down

just show me
i need you to slow me down
slow me down
slow me down

the noise of the world is getting me caught up
chasing the clock and i wish i could stop it
just need to breathe
somebody please
slow me down

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 02:36:06 GMT

over this.

need some change in my life.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:18:08 GMT

I am wrecked. I am overblown.
I'm also fed up with the common cold.
But I just hate to say goodbye
To all the metaphors and lies
That have taken me years to come up with.

Say it's true. Say you like me.
(I like you.)
Just for the night
For me it's been eternity..

And as I gently sip this drink,
I think about my lack of future,
And all the places I could learn to fall in love.

I know I shouldn't waste my time,
Wishing I'd been better designed,
Yet for some reason still think.

I am wrecked. I am overblown.
I'm also fed up with the fucking common cold!

When I just want to feel alive
For the first time in my life,
I just want to feel attractive today.

<3 motioncitysoundtrack

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 07:05:40 GMT

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it."

- Michel de Montaigne

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 04:41:59 GMT

this waiting for the right person thing sucks. especially in the holiday season. i just want to date! is that so much to ask?

grr.

new decision for winter 2007/2007

~~backpacking in hawaii~~

~~quebec and montreal~~ (maybe)

snowboarding LIKE A CRAZY. yes.

if i decide not to go to canada, new board, bindings, and pants. heck yes.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 01:32:04 GMT

life is a funny thing.

right now, i'm pretty satisfied. sure, there will always be things that could be better and things i'm unhappy with but for the most part, i'm diggin it. love the new job, coping with my bipolar SAA relationship, and school is decent. the comm major is awesome, and though my french is slowly degrading i hope it'll be better next quarter. i have no income right now, which is hard, but me and debt are friends. actually, we're the kind of friends that see eachother once in awhile, get a little too excited, and then back off. instead of riding rollercoasters, i've been crusing on the log ride. i don't know exactly how i feel about that.

i felt the need to write today. i havent felt that need in a long time, so i think that means that the emotions are flowing and they need a place of refuge.

it all started yesterday in the afternoon, while i spent my two hour break dying my hair and watching pushing daisies. i was happy to be solving someone else's problems instead of dilly-dallying about my own. i sat in my living room, pink polka dotted shower cap mushrooming over my chemical-filled hair, and basked in the glory of shadenfreuden. let's just say karma is a bitch. and no, she's not the sorority girl, catty bitch. she's the girl with the gleam of evil in her eye, the one who slowly cuts out your heart and leaves you lingering with pain. sadly enough, there are those who need a date with karma once in awhile. there started my weekend long reflection of my current sitation, and it has continued on.

last night i had dinner with an old friend. i was so certain that the summer had changed us and we would slip into the realm of aquantainceship. to be honest, i was worried, and my heart hurt a little. luckily, after main street santa monica, a goat cheese and arugula salad, and a peppermint latte, we were back on track. i cannot explain how incredible it felt to hug her and know that again, that hug made me feel safe. it was our first real test of friendship, and we succeded.

i got home early to continue pushing daisies when the love of my life, my roomate kristen, came home from wicked. she basically screamed with excitement and we got pillows and gathered around the laptop while i french manicured my nails. i love the girly times. and i also love pushing daisies, because it's the weirdest show on the planet and one of the leads is played by kristen chenowith, who played glinda in the original wicked. i went to sleep listening to the hammering of the frat house down the street and a promise of omelettes in the morning.

then today the roomies (all three of them) and i headed down to main street santa monica (encore une fois!) to the omelette parlor, which was heaven. mozzerella, basil, and tomato mmm. i realized that was the first time all of us had eaten together, but it was a pretty incredible first meal. dropped kristen off at work at addidas, then spent the way home singing and making up dances in the car. i felt like such a kid :)

the rest of my day was spent instructing at the challenge course. i love my job. there are definetely bad parts about it, such as the endless training and lack of money, but i learned so much and actually led and belayed about 16 people. invigorating to say the least. soon i'll be an expert at clipping in and setting up obstacles.

and now i'm home, at the computer. i've lost my train of thought. i think started writing about emotions, which led to my weekend. all day tomorrow will be spent with challenge course in the morning, bike ride til 12, then SAA til 6 and homework til midnight. it's all pretty stable.

however, i am missing that one link in my life. that one i like to call love. i'm not going to lie, i'm lonely. but i'm refusing my lonliness from becoming desperation. it is no piece of cake.

but times will change, people will occur, seasons will progress. i'm ready to keep life like this for awhile. a little thanksgiving, blue and gold week, papers and finals, home, snowboarding, christmas, new years backpacking in hawaii, and friends.

as for the rest? it'll have to fit into my schedule.

strangely now happy as a clam with a part of her still missing,

trace